What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 04:43
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Who then, do I blame.?
She found it foreign!.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She loved him until the end.
I waited trembling.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Can a bride cheat on her groom at a wedding?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
How do I develop the patience to read books?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My life is so biszare .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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But ive been too sick for many years..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Was to survive, this bastard.
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
What is the story of how you met your spouse?
Put me off passion for life!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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I said to her
I couldn’t, believe it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He knew the spot.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot live in the past .
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I think the readers, may guess!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
What did i know ?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But it wasn’t much.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I don,t even have a pension.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So whats the point in blame.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I have no regrets .
She wouldn,t have been !
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I could never make a relationship work though!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He resisted the act ,that day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
This is soul school!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Comes on , in middle age.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So, i spoilt her more .
My family never makes their pension either.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was very sick at this time too.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was 9 years of age.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
All the time i was locked up.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I write beautiful poetry .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Ive learnt so much.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We were not on the streets..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It was going to be , some day.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We all went to grammer schools
But, we were locked up after school.
Would this be the day?
I will be 64.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was seconnd youngest,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was scared of men, in general
Im still living with it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was in good health!
And i lived it daily.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She married twice! .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .